The Comedown by Justin Marks
An excerpt
As a person I’m a fiction A heart
of vomit Huge amounts
of protein
Scared Sacred
The difference is simple
transposition
Getting high in bathrooms
Applying for jobs
Everything I do
I do for approval
Continuous movement
A need beyond my ability
Whatever you say I am
is what I am
A child holding a lighter
A really cool weather event
I’ll be that
The trauma and the story
of the trauma I was told
Your touch
is intimidating
It feels too good
is what I think when my wife touches me
Massive gaps
in my development
Unidentified signals
from deep space
Under the skin
is more skin
Increasingly sensitive
Nary a wound salt
water can’t heal
“What a moving and unusual book The Comedown is! A long poem, or perhaps a memoir in verse, or a dramatic monologue, it is both playful and yet revealing, honest and philosophical, formally innovative and yet direct.”
—Ilya Kaminsky, author of Deaf Republic and Dancing in Odessa
“Justin Marks’ singular voice contends with the universality of existential dread without artifice or grandeur, but rather in the most intimate, nearly imperceptible moments that render us human—fallible, but full of grace.”
—Su Hwang, author of Bodega
When someone asks me a question
my immediate response is no
A delusion of grandeur
that’s mediocre
A nucleus burning
inside itself
To prevent prostate cancer
jerk off at least 3 times a week
A medical excuse
to mask
the loneliness
A future that’s always
about to end
In this, my 40th year
driving long distances should be
considered exercise
*
Looking at you, your faces, your eyes
closed is my relief
which is creepy
Me staring at strangers
the strangers not knowing
or maybe they do
I don’t deserve
such relief
*
I’m jealous
of other people’s
addictions
Their recovery
*
I look at my wife and think
I want you
but I’m scared
I want you I want you I want you
and so lie here un-
approachable, my face
in a book
*
Uptight in the moment
Regretful after
A step across
a dark threshold
Vanity and self-centeredness
Behind all this
vanity and self-centeredness is a need
for love
A simple human
need for love
I struggle
to express
Have spent my life failing
to satisfy
Failed to make myself
vulnerable enough
to satisfy
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In The Comedown, each page builds on the last and informs the next, creating a unique unfolding, an enveloping reading experience. Taken altogether, the 80-page poem is a courageous exploration of the author’s own experiences, anxieties, failings … and hopes and (yes) redemptions. Justin Marks provides a window into his mind that effectively shines out onto our own—it’s a truly remarkable and generous gesture that bears re-reading, and rewards it.